We'll get there eventually

"That is an eventual goal, but we're not there yet."

I think a network is the answer here. We need a secure hosting point with servers that we'll call masters, serving a burgeoning network of what we'll call slaves, and it'll actually work pretty well. We just need to make sure we build really, really good masters, and all the slaves will have to do is send a request any time they want to poop.